when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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