I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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