Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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