God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
