Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
