I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
