there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
