i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
