I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
