you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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