you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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