we have pet lesbian snakes
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
