theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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