I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
