$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
it's like heaven, but drunker
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
