I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
