Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
