If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
