We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
