mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
