Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
