Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
