I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
