apparently the secret to your success is patron
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
