Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
