I need to stop coming to work sober
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
