fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Enjoy the penises
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
