Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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