I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
