i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
