Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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