my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
you inspire me to be a worse person
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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