Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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