12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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