I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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