WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
