I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
