Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
