now i know why i became what i already was.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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