We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
