So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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