Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
