You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
