I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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