time to smoke my breakfast
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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