so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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