I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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