Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
