I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
