I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
