well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
