apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
