All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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