I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
